Bye Bye, Fat American Pie

» April 18, 2006 11:40 AM by Awol

I don't think I'm dropping any bombshells when I say that America has an obesity problem. Wait, no. America isn't getting fatter, rather the majority of our war-supportin', Christ-lovin' citizens are. We've all seen the stock footage of fat asses jiggling through public thoroughfares, usually as part of an alarmist ploy to get you to tune into an otherwise slow news day. Every other week the same headless torsos parade their anonymous cellulite to underscore a story about heart disease, or inappropriate school lunches, or perhaps the occasional fashion trend fluff piece: Wal-Mart's new Excel XL™ line of active wear!

I think it's also fair to say we, as a concerned populace, are aware of the problem and taking measures to curb our collective appetites. Some diet plans are more effective than others. Watching a marathon of Celebrity Fit Club or The Biggest Loser inspires some. Parents can freak themselves out over the new TLC show Honey, We're Killing the Kids, which uses the same technology criminologists use to show what a fugitive might look like after ten years on the run to digitally extrapolate how fat your 8 year old will be at 40. Yes, I think we can safely say that TV is doing its part to scare the shit out of the sedentary lifestyles within which we are so comfortably couched.

But how, pray tell, is the fast food industry responding to this ever expanding crisis? McDonald's, das fuehrer of the fast food Reich, has done away with the term "super sizing" and implemented the "Go Active" program, backed by the foremost nutritionist in the country: Oprah's personal trainer. That seems like a step in the right direction; a crisply hollow gesture that doesn't require them to actually stop selling increasingly calorific sawdust burgers. I shouldn't be so hard on McDonald's. A.) It's too easy, and b.) they are, however ostensibly, trying to curtail our ballooning bellies.

Taco Bell, on the other hand, has decided that their cheap, meat-packed line of fatty fare isn't being eaten often enough. In a marketing campaign that I can only imagine is designed to appeal to hobbits, they are the proud pushers of The Fourth Meal™. If we can have Congressional hearings on the indecency of pornography and communism, surely we can take this crass act to task? Eleven o'clock burrito feasts by the drunken plebeian masses are definitely a step in the wrong direction. Food that affordable and filling is already a force to be reckoned with, not to mention a scourge of dyspepsia, but the fight to obliterate obesity needs to tackle this promotion head on.

I suggest a counter campaign: The Fourth Meal, meet your First Coronary! Please, write to your congressman.