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We'll See Who The Real King of Pop Is
» June 14, 2005 4:25 PM by Jakob
Over the past few days, we've seen two 80's-90's icons named Mike make headlines. One, a former heavyweight champion who decided to quit. The other, a former king of pop who jurors decided to acquit. What do these two have in common, besides a common first name?
They are both in debt. Really, really big debt. $40 and $270 million, respectively.
And that痴 where I come in with the solution to their financial woes and the event we致e all been waiting for:
的ron� Mike Tyson vs. Michael 展acko Jacko� Jackson� Pay-per view Decathlon!
If it were just a boxing match, that might not be enough. Though, we壇 at least get to see Tyson beat the crap out of Jackson. With a decathlon, there壇 be multiple events. It could have boxing, a dance-off, baby toss, karaoke contest, a 釘eat It�-style knife fight, llama racing� and of course no Mike 'n Mike competition would be complete without a good 'ol fashioned, scholarly debate. The possibilities make me want to jump on a car and scream, 滴oooaaaaaaa!!�
Just think of the ad campaign�
徹ne痴 face is scarred. The other痴 tattooed. One is black. The other used to be. One wants to eat your children. The other wants to touch them. It痴 ear biter vs. pillow biter!�
And what about the pre-fight press conference�
Reporter: What痴 you池e strategy, Mike?
Tyson: I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain.
Reporter: But he doesn稚 have a nose anymore.
Tyson: Aw, fiddlesticks.
Michael Jackson enters a half hour late for the press conference.
Jackson: You know I知 bad. I知 bad. Come on, you know it.
Jackson bitch slaps Tyson.
You致e just been struck by a smooth criminal.
Tyson: Criminal my ass. You池e just an alleged rapist, I知 the real deal.
This would provide endless entertainment for us all, and most of all, it would get these two former millionaires back on their feet again. God Bless America! Happy Flag Day!
Comments
Some more similarities:
-They both wear colorful gloves
-They're both animal lovers (Tyson has over 350 pigeons, and who can forget Bubbles?)
-They both have signature video games
-They both killed Tupac
My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious.
Posted by: Brendan Themes | June 15, 2005 8:38 AM
I've played a whole lotta Mike Tyson's Punch Out in my day and I think they need to re-release it for Game Cube. Maybe this time around you get to be Tyson and battle Don King.
Or maybe a minor character named "Professor Pound Yer Face" gets to beat you with a dictionary.
I suppose the new game could include a fight with Jacko, but I think he'd go down like Glass Joe. Unless he transformed into that ginormous steal robot from his "Moonwalker" movie. Did anyone see that flick? YIKES! CREEPY!
Posted by: Nicole | June 15, 2005 9:05 AM
I just wanted the world to know that I read the article that this posting is linked to. I read all of it. I didn't skip any words or punctuation. I thought I might have missed a prepositional phrase so I reread on sentence and as it turned out, I hadn't. I guess the jokes on me.
Posted by: Anuj Bhardwaj | June 15, 2005 10:32 PM
Is Anuj begging for a gold star for having read the ENTIRE post? I know that reading requires a lot of focus and concentration for him...
Besides that, I'd like to see the ex's battle it out in their own pay-per-view special. Robin vs. Lisa Marie. Or, even better, they could be special guests on the Michael vs. Michael special. How about Robin vs. Jacko, or Lisa Marie vs. Jacko? My money's on either woman.
Posted by: Cristine | June 23, 2005 1:07 PM
Robin Givens is a tough bitch. She'll cut you.
Posted by: Nicole | June 23, 2005 1:27 PM
Givens vs. Presley is the perfect undercard. Hell, anyone from Head of the Class would be great. Maybe our very own Ryan Gantz could hook that up. I mean, he is best buds with Simone, right?
Posted by: jakob | June 23, 2005 4:07 PM
Simone?...Is that the one that was in Striptease? Oh yeah, that was Saved By The Bell. Regardless, she was kinda hot.
Posted by: Uncle Paul | June 23, 2005 6:21 PM
Um, ok, you're thinking of Showgirls. GEEZ. Get your trashy soft core noodie movies right.
The scene Elizabeth Berkely has with the ketchup bottle is drama at its finest.
Posted by: Nicole | June 24, 2005 11:54 AM
Free Beastiality Sex? GROSS!!! Stuff like that should cost money.
Posted by: Nicole | July 24, 2005 1:51 PM
Wow, what a great name, "Upskirt Pantie". I would like to meet this "Upskirt Pantie"... perhaps for tea and crumpets... oh, and voyeurism, lots of voyeurism.
Posted by: jakob | August 31, 2005 9:02 AM