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If My Little Little Little Brother Were President...
» June 27, 2005 4:00 PM by Jakob
You might not know it, but I'm the oldest of 4 boys in my family and there is an 18 year gap between myself and the youngest, Jordan. Jordan's an interesting little fella and I recently stumbled across some notes I took over this past Christmas vacation.
Jordan, then 9, started talking about what he'd do if he were President, so I started writing it down. Here's a list of some of the things that would happen if our President was 9 years old (insert Dubya joke here):
- Smoking would be outlawed. Sounds fair enough, though it would never happen.
- Prize grabbers would also be outlawed, because "they're a rip-off". Another good point, those claws don't grab anything but your money.
- All swears would be outlawed... except "Shut Up". Fuck that.
- Guns would be outlawed... unless you were shooting snakes. Can't you just hear the hunters now? "Officer, from far away, I swear to god that deer looked like a snake." "Now son, don't you know it's illegal to swear?"
- People would get one year in jail for being a "very greedy Pete". Who is this kid?
So, I noticed that he only wanted to "outlaw" stuff for some reason. So I asked him if there was anything he wouldn't "outlaw", and his response was, "I would not outlaw LYING. It comes in handy."
Ah, spoken like a true politician.
Comments
If I were president, I'd outlaw the band 'Stained' and Dr. Phil. I'd probably make my birthday a holiday and make Andrew Wollman's birthday a day where people drank excessive amounts of energy drinks.
Posted by: Nicole | June 27, 2005 10:42 PM
Um, I believe it's spelled, "Staind". Only mention that because if your signing this into law, I don't want them getting off on a loophole... cuz that might leave a stain... d.
I hate myself for writing that... and yet I did it anyway. Go figure.
Posted by: jakob | June 28, 2005 8:56 AM
If I were President I'd outlaw talk radio. Sorry NPR... you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette, and if I can rid the world of Republican pundits we'd all be better off.
Posted by: awol | June 28, 2005 11:07 AM
I'd also outlaw the word 'pundit'.
Posted by: Nicole | June 28, 2005 1:10 PM
If I were president, I'd outlaw toilets. There would be only ONE toilet, and it would be in MY house. A big house. Everyone else will have to hold it, and they'll all have to go real bad!
Hmm? What's that? You need to go, real bad? Oh, did you want to stop in and use my bathroom, which features the world's only actual toilet, ever? Sure, you can use my toilet... FOR THREE DOLLARS!!!!!!! HA!!!
See, now you see the genius of my plan. Only three bucks! Not a lot of money per person, and worth it when you have to go bafroom. But when you that all up, think about how much money we're talking about here. Even if everybody could hold it and only go twice a day (this is super hard) I'd still be making 6 billion x 2 times a day x $3.00 a visit = like ten hundreds of thousand dollars. For me! That is what presidenting is all about, folks. You elected me, and now you pay the ultimate price... of three dollars per pee.
But... wait a minute. My bathroom would be in constant use. Right? And it would be a mess. I'm not going to clean that up. And when would I get to use the bathroom???!??! Oh, fie! The curse of my genius! The irony - me, reduced to peeing and pooing in the woods, reduced to the sate of a dirty animal by that very plan, born of my superior intellect, that was meant to grant me noble status. What kind of world is this?
Lo, I am no president. Look not upon my countenance, for it is dented at present.
Posted by: Ryan | June 29, 2005 2:07 PM