Letter to the Future

» March 10, 2005 10:02 AM by Nicole

Dear Future and People of the Future,

Greetings from the year 2005 A.D!

How’s it hangin’? I sincerely hope the Earth has NOT been swallowed by the sun. Yet.

It has come to my attention that you might be confused as to what life was like in the far longtime ago days. I'm afraid that you might be studying literary fiction from my day and assuming that those events actually occurred. (Hey, it has happened before.) I thought I would take the time to write to you and clear up any misconceptions you might have.

Firstly, we did not evolve from orcs or hobbits. I hope you are not praying to idols named Gandolf or Bilbo. Those folks were just characters in a fairy tale by a wacky professor named Tolkien. If you are leading a quest to locate a mythical ring, you can stop all that. That silly ring did not exist.

You should know that Stephen King was a horror writer. He invented stories about killer clowns, killer cars, killer dogs and killer storms. If any killer clowns, killer cars, killer dogs or killer storms have plagued you, it was just a killer coincidence.

There never was a Hogwarts Academy.
Chicken soup was only metaphorically for the soul.
That’s not really a hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy.

I hope that lends you all some clarity. You can go about your daily lives knowing that there was never a “Gospel According to Oprah.” It was a book club to promote She’s Come Undone.

Thank you. Write back soon!

-Nicole McPilgrim
Person of the Past