A Time to Kill... Time

» March 22, 2005 5:43 PM by Jakob

Due to recent reports of concern over Father Time and his rapidly declining health, I elected to speak with his eldest son, in hopes of gaining further insight. Here is a transcript of my interview with his son, Father Time Jr.:

Me: For the sake of time, I'll cut to the chase. What is killing Time?

Jr: We are. We all are. Right now, Time is showing his age. Time has many wrinkles and Time is slipping away…

Me: You say that we are killing Time. Is there anything we can do to save Time?

Jr: There’s always things we can do to save Time. We just don’t.

Me: Such as?

Jr: Well, when speaking, remember that contractions are your friends… and nicknames are your friends with benefits.

Me: Would acronyms be helpful?

Jr: Oh yes, most assuredly. Though you should be careful, because overuse can get annoying. I mean, LOL? WTF is that? Oh, and FYI, don’t RSVP for a BYOB at your BFF’s APT in the OC, and then go home with some PYT who’s really OPP. You’ll get an STD… and she’ll need an EPT. BTW, that’s all on the DL.

Me: Oh yes, of course. But now, the question remains… can Time heal all wounds?

Jr: Only Time will tell. But not right now, he’s in a coma.

At this very moment, Father Time Jr. received a note from his assistant.

Jr: Well, it looks like Time’s up.

Me: I thought we had a little more time for the interview.

Jr: No, I mean Time’s up… and he’s doing well.

Me: Oh, well I guess this was a waste of time.

Jr: We can talk about me if you’d like. I could tell you about my current tour with Morris Day.

Me: Oh, yeah, look at the time.

Jr: Where?

And then as his back was turned, I ran out on Time. And now it appears I’ve run out of time. Good day.