Grouching about Oscar

» February 23, 2005 4:16 PM by Jakob

We here at the petty, jealous, and ignorant Mighty McPilgrim Critics’ Corner, thought it was high time we trot out our very first maybe-annual Oscar Preview. As you know, the Oscars are full of glitz and glamour, clamor and zits (“MAKEUP!”). Millions of dollars go into the production of and inclusion in, “The Academy Awards”, and that’s not even counting the endless parade of beautiful, expensive gowns and hideous, expensive gowns. Yep, to put together a shindig like the Oscars, you need a whole lot of money. A whole lot of precious money. So, who foots the bill?

Best Picture

THE AVIATOR – It sure took off… with our money.
FINDING NEVERLAND – Oh, they found what they were looking for… our money.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY – Try $56 Million Dollar Baby (and counting).
RAY – Sure, Ray Charles was blind, but Jamie Foxx is seeing green.
SIDEWAYS – So, wait, we paid money to watch actors eat fine cuisine and drink expensive wines, while we ate popcorn and drank soda?

Best Actor

DON CHEADLE, Hotel Rwanda – He’s an innkeeper with over 1000 guests at a 4-star hotel. Do you know how much a one-night stay at a place like that costs? He was raking it in.
JOHNNY DEPP, Finding Neverland – As ‘Peter Pan’ creator, J.M. Barrie, he wrote a hit play, so he’s not sweating it either.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO, The Aviator – If Howard Hughes didn’t have money, this would be called ‘The Crazy Guy in the Alley Who Likes Planes’.
CLINT EASTWOOD, Million Dollar Baby – Speaking of money, can we set up a fund to keep Clint Eastwood from making films?
JAMIE FOXX, Ray – What can I SAY, it PAYs to be RAY.

Best Actress

ANNETTE BENING, Being Julia – Being Julia’s not so bad when you’ve got a lot of money.
CATALINA SANDINO MORENO, Maria Full of Grace – More like Maria Full of Our Money!
IMELDA STAUNTON, Vera Drake – Giving abortions for free!? I think someone’s independently wealthy.
HILARY SWANK, Million Dollar Baby – You don’t get a name like Swank for being poor.
KATE WINSLET, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – Or is it Eternal Sunshine on Kate’s bank account?

And that’s it. Everyone knows that Supporting Actors and Actresses get paid in bananas, so who cares? And directors must be ugly, otherwise they’d be in front of the camera, right? (Hint, Hint, Clint.)

Comments

I must say that I do not watch the Oscars. I may flip by once or twice during the broadcast, but I've never watched an entire Academy Awards. I believe the reason for this can be traced back to the first time I watched one with any sort of favorites picked out: I felt that Ralph Fiennes was a lock for best supporting actor as the commendant from Schindler's List, but when the award went to Tommy Lee Jones for THE FUGITIVE early in that 1994 broadcast, I was furious, and I turned it off.

Stoopid academy.

Posted by: awol | February 27, 2005 4:03 PM

I watched more of the show tonight than I have in years. It's funny to watch it now that I live out here and have a better sense of how much of the event is just hype. There were a few great moments, particularly Jaime Foxx's acceptance speech and the Carson tribute. It was good to see Charlie Kaufman win. But when did Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows start getting his hair cut by Sideshow Bob?

Posted by: Ryan | February 27, 2005 11:01 PM

Besides Chris Rock, last night was an abomination with no surprises. Adam Duritz did look strange, but I was happy to have someone besides Beyonce sing a song, even though the song sucked. My one revelation from last night, what the hell has happened to original songs in film? Now they're just the "crappy extra song played during the credits that someone wrote just to get a nomination" like that godawful song from Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Posted by: j-kob | February 28, 2005 11:25 AM

By the way, Jakob, "Grouching about Oscar" is a very funny title. As a person who's interested in comedy and trying to learn to be clever, may I ask how long it took you to come up with such a title?

Posted by: Ryan | March 1, 2005 10:08 AM

Well, I started watching Sesame Street at about age 2 and I saw my first Oscars probably by age 10, and I turned 28 the day I wrote the post, so I'd say it took me about... 5 seconds, give or take a day... but I'm no mathematician so...

Posted by: jakob | March 1, 2005 11:04 AM

28! Wow, that's old. As a person who's interested in aging and trying to learn to be older, may I ask how long it took you to arrive at such an age?

Posted by: Ryan | March 1, 2005 11:08 AM

Four decades.

Though, once again, I'd like to stress that I'm no mathematician. Though, I may be a senior citizen... but I can't tell because I'm no mathematician.

Posted by: j-kob | March 1, 2005 11:43 AM

I hate Jakob.

Posted by: Anuj | March 3, 2005 9:28 PM

Hey Cristine,
What did you have for lunch?

Posted by: Anuj | March 8, 2005 5:02 PM

Jakob just grabbed my candy and I'm not too happy about it. Jakob clearly doesn't respect my personal property or my personal space. I wish he would grow up.

Posted by: Anuj | March 8, 2005 5:07 PM

So glad you asked, Anuj. I had Jamba Juice today. And you? You know, if you have any other questions, you can always ask me in person, since I am just in the next cubicle. But if this is your way of telling me that you never want to speak to me again, then I'm okay with that.

Posted by: Cristine | March 8, 2005 5:24 PM

In case the fans of our site (Hi Mom again!) are wondering what the heck is going on here, apparently my Department at the ole 9-to-5 has decided to make this their intranet. Oh frabjous day. Callouh. Callay.

Posted by: Jakob | March 8, 2005 5:31 PM

Cristine, have you seen my pen? Oh, nevermind I found it. My meeting today was crazy. I'm feeling much better now. I can finally relax.
Jakob, why do you have to bring everything down to your level. I don't want to grow a beard. Okay. Okay! I don't need to talk about it three times a day. And no I haven't changed my mind.

Posted by: Anuj | March 10, 2005 5:55 PM

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