Dorff on Dorf

» November 30, 2004 1:02 PM by Jakob

Months ago, I asked a friend of mine named Chris Dorff to write a little piece on Tim Conway's character Dorf and the effect it had on him. I've edited what he gave me, but only a little bit. I felt it was much more fun for me to provide my own comments through footnotes. Enjoy:

No one has suffered more at the hands of little people than me…well, besides that woman who got bitch slapped(1) by Gary Coleman, but my pain is emotional not physical. Even if you see through the hallucinatory veil of "The Wizard of Oz" and realize there had to be some shady goings on in Munchkin Land, not to mention Dorothy’s "Stockholm Syndrome", you may still not be able to tumble into my particular depth of pain and suffering(2).

What's in a name? If you ask me, a lifetime full of distain and bad jokes. All because of a man named Tim Conway(3). On nights when I go to bed well passed my physical limitations for alcohol(4), I ponder this coincidence. Of course, being a New York Yankee fan I'm not allowed to believe in coincidence or luck or fate or, especially, a curse. No, to a Yankee fan everything happens according to God's ridiculously thought out plan. Luckily, he passes along the specs to Mr. Steinbrenner and away we go humming the Imperial March as we trample on the dreams of Red Sox fans everywhere(5).

I pondered suicide for the first time when I was in 8th grade(6). It was 2nd period English and I was just about to nuzzle into my titanium, soft, plastic, orange chair(7) when Brian Albe(8) ran into the room in tears. If only they were for a tragedy(9). Instead, they were sweet salty tears of laughter(10). "Dude, are you Dorf on golf?(11)" I didn't immediately understand the question, so I answered, "My Dad plays golf." I didn't get it until the entire class, as well as Luis, the non-English-speaking janitor, broke into a fit of laughter whose shear volume scared pigeons off rooftops for miles(12). In Brian's left hand was THE TAPE(13). I couldn’t believe it then, and I still can’t. What are the odds of some porn mustache-sporting comedian doing a comedy skit about a midget playing golf, or fishing, or doing any recreational activity for that matter(14). On top of that, he decided to name it after my family(15), and we don’t even have one single midget. Even my legless Uncle John is 5'5" on his stumps. I thought about revenge, murder, slander… I thought about writing "TIM CONWAY SUCKS MIDGET DICK!" on his driveway. Unfortunately, Tom Cruise showed up with his Future Crimes S.W.A.T team(16) and arrested me for destruction of property, despite not having done anything yet. While on probation, THE MAN was watching me 24/7 so I had to come up with something a little more tame. So I did what any law abiding, but non-God-fearing man(17), would do. I took Tim’s wife out for dinner, made her pay for it, and then screwed her in his bed. I made a video(18), titled "Dorff on Your Wife" and sent it to him with a note that read, THE EXTRA "F" IS FOR FUCK YOU TIM(19)! See, life’s better when you play by the rules.

(1) I believe the term is actually "to go A-Rod" on her, which is not to be confused with "going Artest" on someone. After all, A-Rod is a slapper, while Artest is "psychotic", which is not to be confused with being "Milton Bradley-esque".
(2) Not that seeing through a "hallucinatory veil" involving Munchkins and Judy Garland would bring you "pain and suffering", but hey, let's see where he goes with this.
(3) How many lives must this Conway keep ruining?!? When will the madness end?!?
(4) In other words, every night.
(5) For the record, Dorff wrote this in September, before the decline of the Yankees and his entire philosophy. Hindsight is hilarious. Go Sox.
(6) Well, wasn't that a morbid turn?
(7) Damn, that's a lot of adjectives for a chair.
(8) Let it be known that the names have not been changed to protect the innocent. So if you’re reading this Brian Albe, that means you’re guilty!!
(9) Now you’re wishing for tragedy? You are morbid, no wonder you drink every night.
(10) How do you know? Did you taste them?
(11) No, silly Brian Albe, he's Dorff on Crack.
(12) That’s one hell of a "fit".
(13) Not to be confused with THE GLUE.
(14) Actually, pretty high. Short people are funny, no matter what Randy Newman thinks.
(15) No, he didn’t name it after your family, Dorff… just you.
(16) For those of you who are confused, that was a 'Minority Report' reference. And just like Colin Farrell, I’m reading this story looking for… FLAWS! "Why don't you cut the cute boy act and tell me what you're looking for?" "FLAWS!"
(17) Y'know, cuz he's a Yankee fan. What's there to fear?
(18) (of the two-minute romp)
(19) I thought the F was for… FLAWS!